


Like This

by softlyforgotten



Category: Bandom, Phantom Planet, The Young Veins
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-07-22
Updated: 2011-07-22
Packaged: 2017-10-22 22:41:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,172
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/243374
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/softlyforgotten/pseuds/softlyforgotten
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"And if other people die or fall in love they do it when I'm not there." -- E.M. Forster</p>
            </blockquote>





	Like This

Spencer woke at seven in the morning and couldn't get back to sleep. He lay on his side and listened to the sound of the shower running down the hall, wondered why Brendon was up so early. It was very much not like him. Spencer had gone to bed pretty early last night – eleven o'clock, which was a change – but Brendon had looked like he was settling in for a long night of video games and beer, laughing and talking to Shane on his cell.

Spencer pressed his face into his pillow, and tried to go back to sleep, but it wasn't going to happen. The noise of the shower shut off and Spencer stared at the strips of light coming in through where the blind didn't quite meet the windowsill. After a moment, he stood up and pulled on a t-shirt, scratched his head absently. At least Brendon was up, he thought, at least he wouldn't have to potter around the house being bored by himself. Maybe they could play some music, or just drive down to the beach, catch some waves before all the other surfers got there.

"Hey," he said, walking out into the kitchen, stretching so all the bones in his arms and back shifted in a really satisfying way. "Why are you up so— what?"

Ryan looked up at him, and for a moment Ryan looked unsettled, but then he smiled and everything seemed fine, except for how Ryan was in Spencer's house, eating Spencer's cereal with his hair still wet from the shower and his legs curled around under the barstool at the counter. Things were good, Spencer liked seeing Ryan, but Ryan appearing at his house at seven in the morning to shower and eat breakfast seemed a little out of the ordinary.

"Morning, Spence," Ryan said, like it wasn't.

"Hey," Spencer said. "Did your water get shut off again?"

Ryan rolled his eyes. "No," he said. "I pay my bills now. I'm a real boy."

"Okay," Spencer said, walking into the room properly and turning the kettle on. "Why are you here?"

"Stayed the night," Ryan said. "And then I woke up when the garbage trucks came by, couldn't get back to sleep. Hey, will you make me a coffee, too?"

"Yeah," Spencer said, because he didn't know how to say _what do you mean_ , or _but you weren't here at eleven, what kind of person rocks up to someone's house that late_ , or _why are there no blankets on the couch?_

"Is Brendon up?" he asked instead, and Ryan shook his head, mouth full.

"Sleeping," he said thickly, and Spencer nodded. Ryan kicked his legs back and forth and hummed a little to himself, a Beach Boys song that Spencer couldn't remember the name of. Ryan shook his head a little bit, like he was still drying off, like a wet dog, and when his hair flicked back and he straightened, Spencer saw an unmistakeable red mark on Ryan's throat, red and bruised looking, like someone had nipped at Ryan's skin, had kissed and sucked so hard at the skin like they couldn't help themselves, and Spencer didn't know why he was using neutral pronouns like that, when he knew the mark was fresh and knew that Brendon had put it there.

It was just a little surprising, he thought, and opened his mouth to say _what the fuck_ , but then found himself turning around and making them both coffees instead.

It was too easy to tell, almost. Ryan took the coffee with a slow, grateful smile, and there were dark shadows under his eyes, and Spencer knew the way Ryan moved after he'd had sex, knew the way he held himself, like someone had replaced his blood with honey. Generally, after Ryan had gotten laid he got laid some more, because he moved in a way that invited it.

After he'd finished the coffee, Ryan stood up and said, "See you later, then."

"You gonna stick around until Brendon wakes up?" Spencer asked, and regretted it immediately. It had come out a little too sharp, a little too knowing – Spencer didn't mind Ryan knowing that Spencer knew that Ryan and Brendon had had sex last night, but he did mind the idea of Ryan knowing that Spencer hadn't known it before. Just thinking that through made him muddled, but he was angry and confused all at the same time, wondering how long it had been going on, how long Ryan had been doing this. He clearly didn't realise that Spencer hadn't known. Spencer wondered if Brendon thought Spencer knew, too.

Ryan just said, "Nah." He stood up and twirled his keys around a finger, said, "You going to Eric's thing on the weekend?"

"Yes," Spencer said.

"I'll see you then," Ryan said. "Unless you want to come over tomorrow night? Tom's coming to visit Jon, we're all going to hang out."

"Um," Spencer said. "Maybe, I don't know."

"Okay, well, whatever you want," Ryan said. He smiled easily and raised his hand in an idle wave, and then he let himself out and drove away.

Spencer made himself some more coffee.

\---

Brendon didn't wake up until eleven, coming out from his bedroom all sleep-tousled and smiling. Spencer couldn't help looking at him, his bare chest and the boxers hanging low on his hips. He hadn't been able to help looking at Brendon for a long time, but now he found himself looking for something different, too. There wasn't anything, though. Brendon looked as normal and untouched as he did any morning, and he didn't move in a telling way like Ryan did after sex. Spencer wondered how many times Brendon had spent the night with anyone, with Ryan, and Spencer hadn't known.

"Hey," Spencer said, slowly, and Brendon yawned, stretching his arms up into the air.

"Morning," he said. He looked at Spencer and blinked. "You're all – dressed and shit. Are you going somewhere?"

"No," Spencer said. "I just woke up ages ago and then couldn't get back to sleep."

"Oh," Brendon said. He hesitated and then asked, tentatively, "How early?"

"Early enough to say hi to Ryan," Spencer said, surprising himself a little. He hadn't meant to just come out with it like that. It was said now, though, so he shrugged and looked at Brendon straight on, unsmiling.

Brendon shuffled from foot to foot awkwardly for a moment, and then turned and started making himself a coffee. "I guess Ryan told you," he said, uneasily.

"Ryan didn't tell me anything," Spencer said. "It was just – implied." He sighed and said, "Seriously, Brendon, what the fuck?"

"Hey," Brendon said, rubbing the back of his neck. "I'm sorry, I don't wanna make it a – it's just, you know, it's nothing really."

"What _is_ it?" Spencer asked, staring. "Are you and Ryan – what, you're dating or something? I didn't even know you slept with guys."

Brendon cringed. "I know," he said. "I'm sorry. I should have told you."

"You could tell me now," Spencer said, and Brendon laughed in a surprised kind of way, shook his head.

"We're not," he said. "I – really, Spence, it's just – it's convenient, we've been doing it for years, on and off. I mean, we never do it when we're seeing someone, it's not – I don't cheat, that thing with Keltie, that wasn't me. It's only been, recently, it's only been a little bit, just since Sarah left—"

"Jesus," Spencer said. "That was _months_ ago, Brendon."

"Two months," Brendon corrected, like that made it better. He looked at Spencer guiltily, said, "I really am sorry."

"You've been doing this for years?" Spencer repeated, and Brendon shrugged one shoulder, twisting his mouth to the side. Sometimes, Spencer thought meanly, he really hated Brendon's stupid little tendency to make faces at people whenever he was uncomfortable. Spencer asked, "How come you never told us?"

"It wasn't a big deal," Brendon said. "It _isn't_ a big deal. And we figured that you'd worry about the band, or whether we were going to stop being friends, or whatever. It was just easier to – to keep it to ourselves."

"But Ryan acted like he thought I knew," Spencer said.

"Yeah," Brendon said, rubbing his mouth with the back of his hand. "Um, yeah, I think he might have figured that I told you, or something."

"Right," Spencer said.

"I should have," Brendon said. "I am sorry, Spence, I am."

"It's fine," Spencer said, even though it _wasn't_. He felt almost cheated, hurt and upset with it. It was like Brendon had been keeping this whole part of himself secret, hadn't trusted Spencer with it the way he'd trusted Ryan. Brendon was Spencer's best friend, and Spencer didn't think there was anything as important as "hey, I like guys" that Spencer had kept from Brendon, or nothing that he hadn't done to just – save from pointless heartache, or whatever.

"Spencer," Brendon said.

"It's _fine_ ," Spencer said. He stood up and said, "You know, I might head out for a while," and took off, ignoring the sad faces Brendon was directing at his back. He was too annoyed right then to pay them any attention.

\---

He was mad at Brendon for about three days. The trouble was that being mad with Brendon was hard, especially when Brendon was trying his best to make Spencer _not_ be mad at him, through a variety of methods that included hopeful eyes, going out and getting Spencer's favourite meals for takeout whenever the mood struck him, and lounging around on the couch watching movies that he knew Spencer liked. Also, apologising, until it got to the point where that was annoying, too.

He forgave Brendon on Friday. Brendon was sitting on the couch playing Mario Kart by himself, and he'd given Spencer a mournful look when Spencer first walked in, but then gone back to the screen. Abruptly, Spencer had felt worse than before, knowing he was making something that Brendon obviously considered small into something ridiculous, so he went and sat down on the couch and said, "Pass me a controller?"

Brendon grinned at him and said, "Get your own controller, ass," and it was that easy. Spencer felt a little stupid.

Still, the next afternoon he couldn't help paying more attention than usual to Ryan at Shane's barbecue. He wondered, laughing at himself and curious all the same, if maybe he would see something now that he'd been missing for years, but Ryan and Brendon were exactly the same as usual, didn't seek each other out or avoid each other any more than normal. It was a great deal less awkward than it had been in the first couple of weeks after the split, until the two of them had screamed at each other for a few hours and emerged on the other side mildly okay. Spencer thought that they must be very good at this, must know exactly how to act to each other. It was a different level of being comfortable, he thought, and then reminded himself that he wasn't being a jackass anymore, and that not being jealous was an important part of that.

"Hey," Eric said, coming up and offering him a hotdog. Spencer took it, nodding at him, and Eric said, "You alright?"

"Yeah," Spencer said, and blinked. "Why?"

"You seem a little off," Eric said, and Spencer shrugged.

"Sorry," he said. He took a breath and asked, "Did you know about – Ryan and Brendon—?"

"Ryan and Brendon what?" Eric said, raising his eyebrows.

Spencer shook his head. "Nothing," he said. "Sorry."

After a little while, Spencer looked around and noticed that Brendon wasn't there. He swallowed, and his heartbeat sped up a little, even as he thought _stupid, you're stupid_. It was just weird, that was all, to have your thoughts turned around after so many years of knowing someone. Brendon had been easy when he was Spencer's best friend, only now he was apparently Ryan's fuckbuddy on top of that, and Spencer couldn't help wondering what they were doing, whether Brendon was on his knees, who fucked who. It was a really good way to give himself a headache, and he turned back to the cooler, fishing for another beer.

"Brendon's gone down to the liquor store with Shane," Ryan said quietly in Spencer's ear, and Spencer jumped, whirling around. Ryan smiled crookedly at him and Spencer made a face.

"I'm that obvious?" he said.

"Nah," Ryan said. "Brendon just said you were kind of – upset or whatever."

"I wasn't _upset_ ," Spencer said. "I was _weirded out_ that you guys have had this thing for however long—"

"Six years," Ryan said, and Spencer stumbled to a halt.

"Seriously?" he said, and Ryan shrugged. Spencer drew in a breath and said, "Okay, fine, six years, whatever. And you didn't tell anybody."

"Sorry," Ryan said. Spencer blinked at him, surprised, and Ryan shrugged. "You seem kind of upset," he said. "I get it, but you shouldn't be, because – it's really just convenient. It's not like it's anything big. Sex is good, you know?" He grinned, but Spencer didn't want the easy way out.

"I wasn't expecting it," he said honestly. "I didn't even know that Brendon liked guys."

"Okay," Ryan said, frowning. "But that doesn't seem like something you'd get fixated on normally – oh." He straightened, face changing, eyes suddenly serious. " _Oh_ ," he said, and Spencer hunched his shoulders defensively. Ryan's face had gone sort of pale, which was usually pretty hilarious, but now just made Spencer's stomach twist into knots.

"It's nothing," he said, really quickly. "It's just like – a stupid crush, whatever, I was _fine_ with it, but now he's suddenly not straight, and—"

"Yeah," Ryan said. "I can see where that would fuck you up." He touched his forehead, lightly, like he was doing the classic artist's pose, and then he looked embarrassed and pushed his hair behind his ear. It was getting really long, Spencer noticed absently – clearly Ryan was following Alex's lead in boycotting hairdressers, or even scissors.

"Um," Spencer said. He drew in a breath and said, "Don't – don't tell him, or anything."

"No, of course," Ryan said, and swallowed, Adam's apple sticking out. "I wouldn't."

"I know you wouldn't," Spencer said, and smiled tentatively at Ryan. He felt suddenly nervous, though he wasn't exactly sure why. There had been a period, though, where he wasn't sure if they were all going to be able to manage to stay friends, and it had been really fucking sad, and Spencer didn't want to live in that headspace again.

Ryan said, weirdly loud, "What are you going to do?"

"What?" Spencer scrunched up his face, and Ryan smiled a bit at that, but repeated himself, softer this time. Spencer shrugged. "Nothing," he said. "He's my best friend."

"Right," Ryan said. "Right, but are you going to—"

"No!" Spencer said. "No, it would mess everything up."

"Yeah," Ryan said. He turned slightly, as if to go, and then back to Spencer, taking a breath. "It might not," he said, half-smiling. "I mean – we've managed it for years. Brendon's pretty good at not letting stuff like that change the band or, or your friendship, or whatever."

"Ryan," Spencer said, awkwardly, "I don't want Brendon as a fuckbuddy."

Ryan was silent for a moment, and then he nodded, something kind in his eyes, something else. "I know," he said. "Right, you're right, good plan."

"Okay," Spencer said, smiling, and Ryan leaned back against the table next to him and started talking about upcoming plans for tours and albums and everything was good again. After a little while Spencer saw Brendon come back into the yard with Shane, carrying a six-pack, and Spencer kept talking.

\---

He couldn't stop thinking about it, though. He thought about it when Brendon wandered around the house half-naked, chattering over his shoulder like he expected Spencer to be trailing after him to hear the full story of Pointless Shit What Brendon And Shane Did Last Night, thought about it when they went surfing together and Brendon looked so tall and straight and happy on his board, thought about it at night when Brendon fell asleep on the couch next to him and curled right into him. They played songs and did a couple of one-off shows around the place and Spencer thought about it all the time, thought about this sudden secret of Brendon's that he hadn't ever expected to know.

Spencer wasn't sure when Brendon had sex with Ryan. At first, he tried to figure it out, tried to calculate when Brendon headed out and when he came back and when he didn't tell long stories about what he'd been doing, but after a while that started making him sort of crazy, and he also felt kind of creepy doing things like that.

It was too hard to tell, anyway, and Spencer was beginning to feel silly about putting so much stock in things like that, when Brendon and Ryan both had made it abundantly clear that they didn't. _Sex is good_ , Ryan had said, and Spencer let himself stop worrying about what Brendon was doing without him. Really, he thought, really he wanted to know what Brendon would do with him. It will mess things up, he thought again, but he wasn't so sure. He thought maybe it would be worth it.

He thought about it more when Brendon came into the kitchen one morning and perched up on the counter, grinning at Spencer. "Hey," he said. "So, how much do you love me on a scale of one to ten right now?"

Spencer just raised his eyebrows, and Brendon laughed. Spencer said, "Is this going to be like, you just accidentally fell into my kit again and are trying to stop me from killing you?"

"Your lack of faith in me is disheartening," Brendon informed him, and Spencer tried not to smile, even though he couldn't help it when Brendon talked like that, Brendon putting on a stuffy professor air sometimes, like the best fun in the world was pretending to be someone else. Brendon had told him the other night, when it was late and they were both sleepy and honest, that sometimes more than anything he missed the circus tour. Then he had gone to bed, with tight lips and a white face.

"What is it, then?" Spencer asked.

"You know that place with the sandwiches?" Brendon said, and Spencer nodded. That place with the sandwiches was almost a myth in their heads; they'd found it late one night (and what kind of sandwich place was open at eleven at night, anyway) and it had been the best food in the world, and then they'd never been able to find it again. They'd Googled countless variations of a vaguely remembered name, but the place had been lost, and it had remained a late night meal in Spencer's head that they couldn't ever go back to. Now, though, Brendon's grin widened and he said, "I found it again."

Spencer blinked. "What?"

Brendon nodded, quickly, eagerly. "I was trying to find a Taco Bell the other day, with Eric? And we were just driving around and then it was _there_ , it was so fucking awesome. Anyway, I'm going out today, but tomorrow we have to go for lunch _and_ dinner, alright?"

"Okay," Spencer said, and gave Brendon a high-five. "Seriously, dude, awesome."

"I know, right?" Brendon threw his head back and puffed his chest out and preened for a moment, until Spencer was laughing helplessly. Brendon beamed at him and said, "Come on, how much do you love me?"

Spencer was still laughing, sort of, but something caught in his chest and before he was really sure what he was doing, he had stepped up between Brendon's legs and leaned in to kiss him. Brendon was frozen under his touch, and Spencer rested his hand on the counter next to Brendon's leg and tilted his head, closed his eyes, kissed Brendon soft and warm for a moment before he pulled back.

Brendon stared at him, wide-eyed. "Um," he said, staring at Spencer, and Spencer couldn't help, couldn't _help_ but stare back. Something was stuck in his throat. Brendon laughed strangely, a little too high-pitched to be normal, and said, "Wow, uh. You're not really into the obvious approach, huh?"

"I don't," Spencer said and stopped, because he didn't know where that sentence wanted to go, and Brendon touched his face, carefully. Spencer turned his face into Brendon's palm, closed his eyes, and Brendon let out a breath, closer than Spencer had expected. They weren't touching very much at all, but Spencer felt warm all over, heart hammering away in his chest. His nose was touching Brendon's thumb and he could smell Brendon's skin, Brendon's palm burning, like Brendon's natural body temperature was always a few degrees above everyone else's.

Brendon said, quietly, "I really do have plans today."

"I know," Spencer said. He breathed in and said, "Can I – please," and Brendon nodded, moving in, and they were kissing again, and Brendon kissed him back, Brendon kept his hand on Spencer's face but slid it down, curled his fingers around Spencer's jaw and the morning felt so still and so real.

When they broke away again, Brendon was wide-eyed, and his mouth was curling down. He looked almost frightened. Spencer could relate.

Brendon said, "I should—"

"I'll see you later," Spencer said, because he didn't mind the timing of this so much, and moved back so Brendon could push himself off the counter. He watched Brendon go, and then he hugged his arms around himself and fucking beamed.

\---

Brendon didn't come back at all that day. It made Spencer feel nervous at first, and then gradually just kind of nauseous, until he ended up going to bed early so he didn't have to pace around the house anymore, slowly driving the dogs crazy.

He woke up a little after two to Brendon slipping in next to him. "Hey," he whispered, surprised, and Brendon looked at him, face cast in a sickly light from the pale moonlight coming through the crack in Spencer's curtains.

"Hey," Brendon said. "Can I stay here tonight?"

"Yeah," Spencer said, and Brendon curled in close to him, shifted around until Spencer draped an arm over him. He made a small, content noise at that and after a second's hesitation moved in to press a close-mouthed kiss to the corner of Spencer's mouth, and Spencer closed his eyes, eyelids heavy with sleep, but couldn't help smiling.

"You alright?" he asked, groggily, because happy about it or not, he couldn't say that Brendon creeping into his bed in the middle of the night was an especially regular occurrence. Brendon was more the type to accidentally fall asleep on top of someone – he didn't deliberately invade bedrooms. They'd all gotten pretty good about certain boundaries of personal space, after years living on a bus.

"Yeah," Brendon said. "Yeah, I'm – just a little weird, it's cool."

Spencer was quiet for a moment, wishing he could wake up enough to deal with this properly. "Did I do this?" he said.

"No," Brendon said, and kissed him again, slow and soft and sleepy. He slipped one leg between Spencer's, not at all like a prelude to sex, like he just wanted to be close, and Spencer pulled Brendon in a little tighter. Brendon said, "I just – my day went kind of downhill since the morning."

"Sorry," Spencer said. "You wanna talk about it?" He yawned, and Brendon huffed out a laugh that was mostly breath.

"No," he said. "It's not a big deal, go back to sleep."

Spencer was a little nervous, but when he woke up in the morning Brendon was still there, curved into him, their legs tangled together. Spencer touched the side of Brendon's face, carefully, because he didn't want to wake Brendon up, and then he closed his eyes and went back to sleep.

When he woke up again, Brendon was watching him, propped up on his elbows, head tilted like Spencer was some oddity he didn't understand. Spencer said, "Hey," and his voice was gravelly and rough with sleep, and he flushed and cleared his throat, said it again.

"Hi," Brendon said, with a tiny little frown, like a perplexed little kid.

"Um," Spencer said. "You're kind of staring at me."

"This is kind of weird," Brendon told him, and Spencer hesitated, felt himself caught on the edge of something for a moment. He nodded, even though it must have looked stupid with his hair spreading out across the pillow, and it must have been the right thing to do, because Brendon looked satisfied, and he lay back down, on his stomach, with his cheek pressed against Spencer's pillow. He was still looking at Spencer, but the strange, almost clinical aspect of his gaze was gone.

"Can I kiss you?" Spencer asked, feeling a little bit stupid, and Brendon pushed his chin forward and bumped their lips together, not a proper kiss, but nice all the same.

Brendon chewed on his lip and said, "Did – how long have you been – I mean, how long have you wanted to?"

"Uh," Spencer said, and hoped that his face was still too asleep to blush. "A while."

"Right," Brendon said, and smiled crookedly. "Because, you know, I was – I was maybe a little bit freaked that we'd, um, fuck something up, or whatever, and you're my best friend, but—"

"Brendon," Spencer said, suddenly, because he remembered too clearly the conversation with Ryan the other day. "I – I don't want to, like, have casual sex with you, or whatever. I really like you."

"Oh," Brendon said, and he looked startled, but after a moment he said, "you know, I kind of figured?" and smiled sheepishly. A little while later he said, voice low, "I like you, too," and rolled towards Spencer and then they didn't talk for a while, but Spencer put his hands up on Brendon's bare back and they made out lazily, neither of them particularly bothered about morning breath, and Spencer wasn't even embarrassed about how affected he felt, because he could feel Brendon's wild pulse against his skin.

\---

They went out to the mythical sandwich place for lunch, and the sandwiches were just as good as Spencer had remembered. "Seriously," he said, mouth full, "they must put something different in these things, there's got to be like, a magical fucking ingredient."

Brendon nodded, chewing furiously. "Uh-huh," he said, and when Spencer turned around to check the clock on the wall Brendon _stole_ half of his sandwich, and they engaged in a minor scuffle that left them both pink-cheeked and laughing, especially when they noticed the girl behind the counter staring in poorly disguised disdain.

On their way back to the car, Spencer took Brendon's hand and threaded their fingers together, and Brendon cast him a surprised look but squeezed Spencer's hand after a moment. When they got back to their house, Brendon kissed him inside the door, and they barely made it to Spencer's bedroom before they were naked and all over each other, breathing in harsh, winded gasps. Brendon pushed Spencer down onto the covers and crawled on top of him, and sucked Spencer's fingers into his mouth one by one, eyes darker than Spencer had ever seen them before.

Brendon slid down onto his dick slowly, taking each inch with his eyes closed and eyelashes fluttering on his cheeks, and he braced himself on Spencer's chest, hands splayed out wide and sweaty, and rode him slowly, until they were both panting and groaning with the effort to be slow. It was worth it, though, and when Brendon collapsed forward onto him, Spencer combed his fingers through Brendon's sweaty hair and mumbled stupid things in Brendon's ear, about how much he liked him, how much he wanted this, and Brendon closed his eyes and pushed back into Spencer's touch, listening blindly.

\---

"Hey," Spencer said, when they pulled into the driveway. He reached for Brendon's hand and Brendon gave him that same, surprised look he always did. "Is this okay?" he asked, and Brendon opened and closed his mouth, before he smiled.

"Yeah," he said, "yeah, of course," and he didn't meet Spencer halfway when Spencer leant in, but he kissed back, slow and strangely sweet.

They got out of the car, and Brendon waited for Spencer around the other side. Spencer took his hand again and threaded their fingers together and said, half-laughing, "Is it stupid to be nervous?"

"No," Brendon said, smiling stupidly back at him, and Spencer nodded. It was just their friends, he thought, and it wasn't even very many of them – Jon and Ryan, of course, and Shane and Regan and Alex and Eric and Eric's girlfriend. It was just because they were all of them bored, caught between recording or shooting or touring, whatever it might be, and Spencer liked Brendon, and he wanted to be able to tell everyone that.

They were all out in Eric's backyard, poking at a pile of firewood and discussing very loudly about whether or not it was too lame to light it at three in the afternoon. They looked up when Spencer and Brendon rounded the corner, though, and Shane did an immediate double take, and Regan said, "Oh my God, seriously?" and Eric started laughing.

"Hey," Alex said, smiling kind of goofily, "hey, dudes, congratulations," and Spencer laughed, and Brendon let go of Spencer's hand to rub the back of his neck and smile sheepishly at them all. Spencer felt light and happy with it, with everything, and he couldn't remember why he had even been nervous in the first place. On the other side of the yard, Spencer caught Ryan's eye, and Ryan nodded, tilting his chin up. Spencer couldn't see Ryan's features very well but he smiled at him all the same, and remembered why he had been glad to hear Brendon say that they didn't mess around when one of them was seeing someone. _Good plan_ , Ryan said in his head.

They got laughed at a fair bit, but Spencer didn't mind very much. He sat back on one of the deck chairs and Brendon sat near enough to him that Spencer could reach out and touch now and then, rolling his knuckles against Brendon's shoulder, down his side, just when he felt the need to, and every time, without fail, Brendon turned and smiled at him, quick and bright. Spencer closed his eyes and dozed for a while and when he opened his eyes again it was dark, and they were lighting the bonfire, and Brendon had gone off somewhere.

Spencer almost got up to wander off and try to find him, because Alex had procured a pack of marshmallows and toasting them was still one of Brendon's favourite things to do in the world. Jon came and sat down next to him, though, and it had been too long since Spencer had had a proper conversation with Jon, and he was distracted almost immediately, in Jon's funny stories about the studio – Spencer would always miss that, he thought, he would always miss Jon's ability to make things easier and calmer by retelling the worst frustrations in the world in an amused way – and talking about Cassie.

"We're thinking about – I don't know, it's all kind of fucked," Jon said ruefully, and scratched absently at his beard.

Spencer made a sympathetic face. "I thought the last break up was – for real?" he said, and Jon shrugged.

"The last break up is always for real," he said. "She's taking some time off college next month, coming down to stay with me. I – it would be good, to sort it out."

"Yeah," Spencer said softly, because he liked Cassie, and because when she and Jon weren't busy making each other miserable they tended to make each other ridiculously happy.

When Spencer looked up, Brendon was talking on the opposite side of the fire with Alex, and the marshmallows were all gone.

Ryan came and sat with him and Jon after a little, and his hair was wet. Spencer raised his eyebrows and Ryan said, vaguely, "Oh, yeah, I was a little hot, I stuck my head under the tap." It sort of made sense, in a Ryan-ish sort of way, and Spencer laughed and touched Ryan's shoulder, and Ryan leaned into him, all the way, tilting his head back against Spencer's shoulder and lying against his chest.

"Hey," Spencer said, low and surprised. "You okay?"

"Tired," Ryan whispered, and Spencer nodded and smoothed his hand over Ryan's side, but Ryan sat up again after that.

Brendon came and sat on Spencer's other side, and after a while Shane and Alex joined them, too, while Eric drove out to get more drinks and Regan and his girlfriend sat together in a chair, talking in soft whispers. The conversation turned to music, as it always did with them, inevitably, and Jon shook his head, said, "Yeah, it's going to need a lot more work than we thought, at first. I think – around Christmas?"

"I think by November," Ryan said, and there was a strange note in his voice.

Jon looked at him, and laughed. "Okay, dude, sure," he said. "Keep on dreaming."

"I will," Ryan said. "You know why?"

Spencer felt suddenly uneasy, and he looked at Alex, across the circle from him, caught the same wariness on his face. "Why?" he said.

"I'm glad you asked, Spence," Ryan said, calmly, like he hadn't invited the question. "It's because I'm an idealist."

Spencer turned his head and looked at the others. Alex and Shane looked worried, and Jon just looked blank. Brendon's face was hidden in shadow, but when Spencer pressed his fingers discreetly against Brendon's side, Brendon didn't move in the slightest.

"What?" Jon said, after a moment, and Ryan smiled at them, pleasantly.

"I'm an idealist," he repeated. "That's what's wrong with me. Some people – like you guys, actually, you and Spencer and Brendon – you guys are realists, and it's your sad responsibility to see the world as it really is. But not me. Because I'm an idealist."

"Ryan," Brendon said, and Ryan stood up, so fast that he knocked over his beer bottle.

"Shit," he said, stooping to pick it up, and Jon was frowning.

"Ryan," he said, echoing Brendon, and Ryan shook his head and laughed, a little wildly.

"Sorry," he said. "I'm really fucking tired, I'm – you know what, guys, I think I'm going to call it a night."

"Can you drive?" Brendon asked, very soft, and Ryan nodded and left, waving hurriedly at the girls, trekking across the grass with short, staccato movements and his hands in his pockets, looking like some sort of ungainly stork. Spencer watched him leave and missed, abruptly, the days when he had been able to know exactly what was bothering Ryan.

"Is he alright?" Shane asked, hesitantly, and nobody answered for a moment. Then Spencer shrugged, and sighed.

"He said he was tired before," he said. "I don't know, it's Ryan. He'll be okay."

"Yeah," Alex said, uneasily, and the conversation picked up again, but it never really got going again, and Spencer and Brendon left not long after that.

Brendon was kind of quiet in the car on the way home, but he shook away Spencer's questions, and when they got inside Spencer barely had a chance to close to the door before Brendon was on him, clutching at Spencer's shoulders and dragging him down to Brendon's mouth. They fucked up in Spencer's bed, hot and hard, Brendon moaning and writhing beneath him, mouth red and swollen and chin pink from Spencer's beard. Spencer gasped out something pretty embarrassing when he came, but it was okay, because Brendon was too far gone to hear anything, arching up desperately beneath Spencer and dragging him closer and closer.

They went to sleep curled around each other, pressed even tighter together than usual, naked and sticky still, and Spencer thought it was the abrupt change in warmth that woke him up later that night to find Brendon gone. For a moment he just lay there, vaguely puzzled, and then he heard quiet, hitching breaths coming from the bathroom that joined onto Spencer's bedroom, and saw the light.

He got up, something tight in his chest, and moved heavily to the bathroom. He pushed open the door like there was going to be something terrible inside, something he might have to fight, but Brendon was the only one in there, of course. He was kneeling in front of the toilet, and when Spencer came in he looked up and made a face. He was pale and looked sweaty, or like he'd splashed his face with water.

"You alright?" Spencer said, eyes falling dangerously shut on a yawn.

"Yeah," Brendon said. "Drank too much, it's fine, go back to bed." Spencer didn't remember Brendon drinking very much at all, but he was too tired to argue, and he went back to bed and fell asleep before Brendon came back.

\---

The next afternoon, Ryan arrived with Thai takeout, a bag full of movies, and a weirdly determined expression. "Hey," he said, and Spencer blinked at him.

"Hi," he said. "What's up?"

"I'm so hungover," Ryan said, even though he didn't look it, and he'd obviously managed to get himself home okay last night. "Wanna help me eat away my sorrows?"

"Yup," Spencer said, immediately, because he was always up for that, and Ryan grinned at him.

He looked up and Brendon was hanging in the doorway, hesitant, but Ryan outstretched the bag and said, "I brought tom yum."

"Basil chicken, too?" Brendon asked, stepping forward, and Ryan made a mock-offended expression.

"Who do you think I _am_ ," he said, and Brendon laughed, something in his eyes giving way, giving in. They went into the lounge room with bowls and forks and passed around the food, while Ryan put on the first movie. Spencer and Brendon sat on the couch and Ryan sat on the beanbag below them, because he had a weird obsession with it.

A little way through the film, Ryan reached up and curled his hand around Spencer's bare ankle, stroking his fingers over the bone. It was soft and comforting and when Spencer looked down, Ryan smiled up at him, a little weird around the edges but there all the same, and it was nice to spend an afternoon easy and comfortable like that, with Brendon's weight warm by his side and Ryan's hand curled around Spencer's ankle like he just needed something to hang onto.

They barely moved from the living room all day, didn't even get something to drink. Brendon dozed off after a while, with his feet resting on Spencer's stomach, and Ryan didn't make any move to leave. At around midnight, though, he was yawning, huge, jaw-cracking ones that made Spencer laugh, and Ryan blinked sleepily up at him, asked, "Can I stay the night?"

"You can sleep in my bed," Brendon said, startling Spencer – he hadn't realised that Brendon was awake again. Together, they helped Ryan up, slinging one of his arms around each of their shoulders. Brendon staggered for a moment under Ryan's weight, especially seeing as he put most of it on Brendon, slumping to the side, but they managed to get Ryan up the stairs and tucked into Brendon's bed.

They both stood and went to leave when Ryan reached out, and Spencer waited in the doorway as Brendon bent over Ryan's bed, Ryan's hand clenched in the material of Brendon's shirt. Ryan said something that Spencer couldn't hear and Brendon shook his head, again and again, eyes closed. After a moment Ryan smiled lopsidedly, and rolled away onto his back, and turned his face into the pillow, and let go of Brendon's shirt last of all.

Brendon came to Spencer, and they went to bed.

\---

The next morning, Brendon was already up when Spencer woke, he and Ryan drinking coffee in the kitchen. Spencer came downstairs and smiled sleepily at them, said, "Morning."

"Morning," Ryan said, and Brendon didn't say anything at all. Ryan said, "I'm just leaving."

"'kay," Spencer said. "I'll see you later?"

"Sure," Ryan said, and surprised Spencer by giving him a quick hug before he left. He touched Brendon lightly on the head as he passed, but didn't say anything, and Brendon watched him leave without saying goodbye.

Spencer waited until Ryan was out of the room before he turned to Brendon and said, quietly, "All okay?"

Brendon looked up quickly at him and laughed, short and too loud. He said, "Yup," and Spencer frowned.

"Hey," he said. "Hey, what's going on?"

"Nothing," Brendon said, and Spencer swallowed down something strange sticking in his throat. He came and leaned against the counter, next to Brendon but without touching him.

"Is everything okay," he said, and breathed in and forced himself to finish, "with Ryan?"

Brendon looked at him. "Why d'you say that?" he asked.

"I don't know," Spencer said. "You seem a little bit off."

"I'm okay," Brendon said. "One of those days." He rubbed his mouth with the back of his hand and said, "It's not about Ryan."

"Okay," Spencer said, because this he could do, this he could always do: believe Brendon. He said, "If you guys are fighting again—"

"We're not," Brendon said. "It's – the band thing is still weird sometimes. We're not fighting, though." He looked up at Spencer and then away, and turned a little bit red in the cheek. "It's – I hate fighting with him," he said. "I really try to avoid it."

"I know," Spencer said. Brendon nodded briefly and walked across the room, to the window, curling his hands around the windowsill and staring out. Spencer said, "Do you want to go into the studio today? John called last night and said he'll be there, if we want."

"That would be cool," Brendon said.

"Okay," Spencer said. "You wanna go out and get something to eat first? I don't think we've got much in the fridge."

Brendon didn't move, didn't say anything. Outside the house, Spencer heard Ryan's car start up, and Brendon's hands were white-knuckled where he was clutching onto the sill.

"Brendon?" Spencer said, and Brendon didn't say anything, just stared. He was holding himself strangely, like something in him hurt and he hadn't figured out what yet, but he was afraid to move for the threat of pain. Spencer watched him and wondered at how Brendon could stop everyone from seeing most of the time how small he was, until when he did let anyone see it came as a shock, making Spencer's mouth taste strange, something bad lurking at the back of his throat. "Brendon," he said again, and after a moment Brendon turned away from the window and smiled at him.


End file.
